My friends Derrek and Evan came to me last week and said that they needed some band photos for their super sweet, totally rocking band. “Awesome guys! I didn’t know you were in a band,” I exclaimed. “Oh, we’re not yet,” they told me. “But we want some band photos in case we are. You know, to be prepared and all should we want to jam it some day.” The following is the story of our epic journey in downtown Phoenix as I attempted to manage these two in their quest to form the perfect band… photos.

Well, it didn’t start well to say the least. As soon as we got out of the car Derrek and Evan found random household items and began to dual to the death. Well, not death. But dual to the mildly nicked and stinging. Close enough. I think it started over what kind of music their band was going to play.

After a vigorous battle with whacking and thrashing plunger and PVC pipe, the two called a truce and Evan sat down to take a rest. That’s when Derrek launched his stealth attack. Ever seen a person take a PVC pipe across the top of the head? Ouch. Don’t worry though. They soon forgot about it and we moved on down the road.

The band seems to get into disputes more than it plays music. This fight erupted over what the band cover album photo would be. Evan wanted an 80’s style album cover, but Derrek wanted a 60’s throw back. That’s when Evan launched a full frontal footwear assault to the face. It’s not the first time this has happened though – and Derrek comes prepared.

Evan was still a little put off that Derrek didn’t want to do the 80’s style cover album. But it’s ok, he got over it after I mentioned I had a sweet boom box with me that he could rock out with.

“This is our sexy pose,” Derrek and Evan said. “TAG body spray is actually the bottled fragrance of our total excellence.” As band manager, I approve. Watch out Team Edward and Team Jacob. Team Derrek and Team Evan are about to kick your silly teen vampire/werewolf asses.

Well they’re at it again. I thought we were cool after the sexy band poses, but Derrek said something flip about Evan’s racket being out of tune and how maybe he should “warm it up somewhere.” Evan retorted, “I already warmed it up in your mom.” The epic fight club massacre that ensued would have given even Edward Norton’s schizophrenic visions of Brad Pitt a shock.

We booked the first band gig at the Westward Ho while walking. In attendance – one bell hop, one woman who looked confused about where she was (must have been the totally awesome band vibe sent her to a whole other plane of existence), and one 67-year-old man who complained he couldn’t get out of his chair and move away from the noise. Screaming groups of fans sure to follow now.

Hardcore jam session in front of the Post Office commenced after the Westward Ho gig. “After all, what better place to send our rocking message to the country than in front of the Post Office?” commented Derrek. “You think they can mail our tunes?” “Ummm… sure yes we can manage that,” I said. Evan really creates a racket when he gets going.

Derrek and Evan always say, you can really lose your head in writing a song. At least that’s their theory – since they haven’t written any yet.

Band manager Matt Dutile (that’s me) said, “I really need you guys to lay down some rocking tracks for this new album.” Following which, Derrek and Evan started to lay down in the tracks. No, wait, no… that’s not what I meant guys I meant… you know what, nevermind.

I asked how we could we possibly make our shoot any better. Derrek and Evan said, “We like trains.” I said, “ok.”